I am often reminded that when we are straying off our personal path of authenticity we will experience pain and incongruity. These are signals to slow down, or even stop, and just reassess. We can easily get caught up in what others, or even what society, thinks we should do or be. But what is it that feels RIGHT? What warms our hearts? What makes us smile? What feels like our own personal “home”? THAT is what we need to go for in our lives and let all others’ opinions and expectations just blow away like unneeded dust.
Let me give you an example. In the community that I grew up in (one that I often fondly refer to as redneck central) it was thought to be horrible, even evil to be gay. Back then I knew that I was equally attracted to both sexes, but chose, out of a sense of self-preservation, to only focus on my attraction to females. This meant that 50% of me was unacknowledged and unattended to. In a homomesic (hatred of homosexuals) culture such as that, staying hidden was something that was highly advised. Although I would not participate in gay bashing I did indeed witness it on a daily basis. And I was the target of gay bashing on several occasions because, being “different” (gifted in a multitude of ways) automatically meant “gay.” A number of times I had to physically defend myself from attacks from not one or two but many members of redneck gangs. The one good thing that came from that was that I learned how to fight hard and how to fight dirty. These attacks would happen even when I was dating females. So, in my mind, I was constantly wondering, “WTF??” None of this made any sense to me and there was nobody that I could turn to for help. Nobody would understand the struggle. If I mentioned that someone even thought that I was gay it would have been enough “evidence” to get me into even deeper trouble. So I fought them off and I stayed silent. This is reminiscent of the burning times when someone only had to be accused of being a witch in order to be killed for being one.
I should mention that it was not like there was anyone of the male persuasion in particular that I was attracted to. I could simply appreciate the beauty of a male as much as a female. Artists have done this for centuries. Some of them may have been gay. Some of them not. But in redneck central they would not have comprehended this in any way. In high school I joined the choir and swing choir in order to be around the girls in my class and those who were either behind me by a grade or ahead of me by a grade. But of course being in a choir or a swing choir meant that I had to be gay. The weird part of it was that none of the other 6 males in the choir experienced the gay bashing…to my knowledge. Perhaps this was because they were also in church choirs and folks found it to be a natural crossover. I did not attend church (another strike against me) so I was seen as an anomaly.
Hiding that part of myself for 50+ years took its toll. I mean, I was happy for the most part in my relationships with women. I had been married 3 times to 3 different women and, other than the stuff that led to our breakups or to the death of my 3rd wife, things were mostly good. I did not consider trying out a relationship with a man. As far as I knew, it would most likely not work because the men I tended to know were not the types that would stay in a relationship for very long anyway. Not that I considered any of them to have any potential. I just saw their patterns and concluded that this would not be the way to go.
But then something happened after the death of my third wife. That something opened me up to the possibilities that could exist…with the right person…male or female. I decided to let myself be open to it, and as a result I found someone whom I feel is the perfect fit. And he happens to be male. We have been together for 10 years now, and each day gets better.
I have always been someone who looks into the soul of a person instead of being obsessed with their physical temple. Sure, I can appreciate physical beauty. But beauty fades with age. So why be obsessed with that when there is so much more to look at, to appreciate. And the deeper we get to know a person, the more beautiful they can become. Even if their physical beauty fades, their soul beauty lives on. So, I decided to take the leap and see what happens. And I have never looked back. Sure, I have wonderful memories of my other life, but now the other 50% of me gets to be in attendance.
I decided to write this blog because I know that there are many who will be enriched in the reading of it. The fact that this is currently June, which is considered to be Pride Month, has little to do with the timing. Because I am a supporter and advocate every day of the year, not just for the 30 days of Pride. I do feel it is important to have Pride month. It does tend to create solidarity. It does bring to the surface the issues that many have faced in this messed up world that so often turns to hate instead of acceptance. So that is essential. But really, every day can and should be a day of Pride. Perhaps when that happens for more and more people, some will not be murdered simply because of who they love.