Raising sons can be quite the challenge. We have to sort through the toxic societal aspects of what it means to be male. Then we have to learn how to access the positive aspects of masculinity. Admittedly for myself this was difficult because I had a mother and three older sisters who, while embracing the positive aspects of the Feminist Movement back in the ‘60’s, had a LOT of man-hate going on within them. They all appreciated the fact that I was compassionate and that I had empathy and acted on that. But when they would complain about men in general all I was hearing as a child was that when I grew up I was gonna be the villain. This made my self-worth bottom out. And then that was compounded by the fact that my father and older brother were old school misogynists. They were, in a nutshell, the perfect example of what not to be. But, of course, they also thought of themselves as God’s gift to humanity, so they would belittle me any time I was acting out of compassion or empathy. I was constantly being told to “man up.” I did not want to do that, at least not how they did it, because I did not want to come across as a douchebag.
So I struggled with the entire thing and hid myself from other people because I never felt that I was good enough for anyone’s expectations. It took many years for me to come to terms with the fact that, while I was worried about what others would think of me, they were never really thinking of ME. They were actually thinking of themselves and their own social pressures to be pretty much anything that was not authentic to who they truly were.
So I decided to scrap what others thought of me, good or bad, and just be myself. But I also had to discover who that self was. Man, it has been a long journey of discovery with that. There have been ups and downs and, honestly, mistakes have been made along the way. BUT, eventually I found my core, which also meant that I found my Source and my own inner compass. That feels pretty darn good.
Yesterday I was watching a show called The Presence on Prime Video. It would be likely categorized as a “horror flick” but there really was nothing supernaturally horrific about it. What was horrific was the character of the narcissistic mother who really screwed up her teenage son’s mind, creating a bit of a monster. The father, however, was one that had a definite moral compass and challenged both of them continuously. At one point he told his son, “I know that there is an excellent man inside of you…I am looking forward to meeting him…some day.” I think a LOT of teenage boys and young men, and possibly older men, need to hear those words. They give a person something to work for and for which to strive. Instead of the “boys will be boys” attitude, it acknowledges that they have screwed up but that they can and should be better. Now, there are some who would be sooooo offended by the father’s words. But those words hold power and impact and actually challenge the son to grow up and become a better man. In a world where everyone is offended by every little thing, it was refreshing to see a character who wasn’t coddling crappy behavior but challenging the other character to straighten up and fly right. What we need to teach our kids is that all feelings are valid, but not all behaviors are acceptable.
For me, ghost story aside, this movie was a winner. It showed men at their worst as well as at their best. It also showed how someone (the son) could actually step up when he realized that if he did not his sister would die. I won’t give away the ending, but needless to say it was one movie that left me considering a few things:
1. With the horrible role modeling I had from men all around me, how did I end up being as balanced as I now am? I attribute much of that to the fact that I am a very grounded Aquarius. Those are rare. But I am one. I had to learn that, but I mastered it. As a grounded Aquarius I am an egalitarian. So I do not put up with misogynistic bull crap. It took quite awhile for me to also realize that, in being that way, I was modeling that balanced approach for other men and for boys around me. What they do with that modeling is up to them. But I am going to continue to just be me.
2. Why don’t people catch on sooner? I mean, I have witnessed such incredible dysfunction in my own family as well as in others’ families. Are people actually so stupid that they don’t see what is right in front of them in terms of ripple effects of toxic behaviors? Or is it that they just don’t want to acknowledge the existence of the toxic behavior so that they don’t have to step up to the challenge to become better people? We all have toxic energy within us. The difference is in how we approach the healing of that.
3. Has the liberal approach gone too far? I mean, many are now being cancelled because they are doing the right thing! It seems that as soon as someone is speaking with reason they are shut down by those who just have an emotional or political agenda. I consider myself to be more liberal minded. But seriously, reason has to play a part in life. It cannot be thrown out the window just to serve someone’s emotions. When that starts happening we end up raising kids that are self-indulgent little assholes. Do we really want THAT to be our legacy??
To me, an excellent man will stand up for what is right regardless of feelings or social pressure. He will be compassionate, but not enabling. He will be reasonable, but also intuitive. He will be strong, but also gentle. He will have an inner compass that guides him to the right decisions for himself and for those in his charge. But really, this all applies to anyone. So an excellent man is actually an EXCELLENT PERSON, gender non-specific. It is actually our personal responsibility to step up to this. Yes, it can be challenging. But it can also be highly rewarding.