I have discussed duplicity in previous blogs but I wanted to expand the discussion a bit more today. I want to look at how we often will get caught in a trap of duplicity when it comes to certain things in life. When we get caught in these traps it limits our perceptions as well as how we are able to respond to certain situations. So I am going to utilize a meme that I found on social media and go through some examples as they are mentioned in the meme. So, here we go:
It is possible to be both capable and lost. This is not limited to just geography. It applies as well to life’s circumstances that challenge the living bejeebers out of us. I consider myself to be a very capable person and I trust myself to make the right decisions for myself when presented with challenges. After all, I know who I am and I have very little tolerance for nonsense. Having said that, there have been times in my life when, capable as I was, I was lost as to what to do. One example of this would be coming home to an empty apartment, the remains of which were trashed by my soon-to-be ex wife, and then to discover that, 2 days before our rent was due, she also emptied our bank account. Capable, yes. Responsible, absolutely. At a loss? Definitely. It takes a certain amount of vindictiveness to do that to a person. That is her burden, not mine. So how did I resolve this? Well, honestly, I took a loan from my parents to pay my rent and started fresh. I should also mention that this happened the day before final exams began in University. Her timing was always impeccable. Had I known at the time that I was marrying someone like that, I would have NEVER said, “I do.”
It is possible to both be smiling and struggling. People put on a happy face every day just to be able to socially function. The world is also full of funny people who make others laugh while they, themselves, are dying inside. The saddest part is that often people like this are the ones who end up self-harming because they do not feel that they have anyone to turn to, that there is no one there to catch them if they fall. And while they are feeling this, they are smiling. I have been there. I know quite intimately what that is like. One of the problems here is that society insists that people put on a happy (dare I say Born Again Christian) face and pose for the photo opportunity. But that photo says NOTHING about what is actually going on.
It is possible to be both kind and to set boundaries. Boundaries are a HEALTHY thing to have. Without them we get turned into a push over. The more one gives, the more people want to take. Self-preservation requires good, healthy and strong boundaries. We live in a culture that makes people believe that when one sets a boundary one is being mean. That is the biggest crock of $#*+ going! Yes, sometimes we do have to be a bit forceful with setting boundaries, especially when we get someone who is continually pushing back against those boundaries. That does not make us unkind. It makes us determined.
We can be vulnerable and powerful all at the same time. We live in a society that pushes the notion that vulnerability is a sign of weakness. This is entirely based in toxic masculinity. And women promote this concept just as much as do men. The truth of the matter, however, is that when we are vulnerable, when we show our emotions and meet the world from our hearts, instead of from the craziness of social expectation, we strengthen ourselves as well as those around us. We help them to feel safe with us, and thus they will learn to feel safe with themselves. Vulnerability is actually our greatest strength.
We can be both successful and traumatized. People often will look at the success of others and think that those people have never had it rough through their lives. This is a bunch of B.S. There are MANY very successful people in the world who have succeeded despite the traumas that they have endured. This is a testament to the strength of the human spirit. Trauma does not acknowledge any income bracket. It seeks everyone, just like death.
We can be both an extrovert and alone at the same time. Extroverts do not have a corner market on company or companionship. Many outgoing people have simply not “found the right one” and many don’t even want a life partner. They are too busy enjoying their life, their careers and so on to tie themselves down to another person. And while we are on the topic, not all introverts enjoy being alone. Some become very lonely and depressed when they lack human connection. They simply prefer, usually, to have that connection happen a little at a time, one on one, instead of in a big crowd.
It is possible for a person to be both valuable and flawed. Consider, for example, your husband or wife or life partner. This person is extremely valuable to you. You love this person immensely. At the same time, this person is human and can have some flaws that, over time, drive you a wee bit nuts. For example, I live with someone whom I love to the end of the earth. Does he always remember to wipe down the stove after use, or the countertops? No. He is gorgeously flawed in that department. Do I love him less or value him less because of it? Absolutely not. It is part of his character. Just as he loves me beyond measure and knows that if something pisses me off I will explode about it…for like 3 minutes, then retreat for another 3 minutes and come out of my retreat completely alright, laughing and joking, even about whatever it was that pissed me off. I deal with the emotions and then move on. But the explosion part is my flaw. He knows that. Does he love me less for it? No way.
It is possible to be both an introvert and be reaching out for human connection or for help. People often think of introverts as those who hate other people and hate being around other people. That is not necessarily the case. There is a strong part of me that is introverted (which people are often shocked to find out) that really prefers to just be quietly and happily alone. But people see me at work, gregarious and enjoying connecting with other people, and think that I am an extrovert. I am actually a bit of both. My introvert sometimes does get lonely. And when lonely I make plans for a coffee date. That coffee date is usually with just one or perhaps two people at most. That is my threshold of tolerance. After that I begin to feel bombarded by the energy of a group. Yes, I will attend things that are for more than 2 or 3 people. And I do enjoy those things that I choose to attend. However, I also will then need some recovery time following that gathering.
It is possible for one to be both loving and questioning. The fact that we love someone does not at all mean that we cannot or should not question them about what they are doing. I actually think that it is our job as loving people to question and even challenge those we love regarding behaviors, attitudes, motivations and so on. That way we help them to rise up and become better people. And I like it when someone questions me. I might joke around about it for a bit, but I also will, at the same time, be assessing myself and trying to figure out how to be better. And sometimes it is just that the other person does not understand why I do what I do and wants to know more about it so that they can, in the end, understand it. I have no problem with that. What I would have a problem with is a brick wall that goes up just as soon as anyone questions what is happening. That is an indication, and a strong indication at that, that they know what they are doing is shady and should not be doing it, but were hoping that you would not notice. People like that will often try to gaslight you for asking the questions. Don’t let them do it. Demand your rightful answers.
When we allow ourselves to let go of duplicity thinking we become more balanced in our approach to life. For example, when we were hit with a pandemic the aspect of duplicitous thinking became abundantly clear in everything from media to social media to personal relationships etc. People took a stand and were firm in their decision, but also condemned anyone else who had a different opinion on the matter. I was one who could see value in BOTH sides of each argument, which lost me friends and associations on both sides. But here is the thing. Being able to hold two opposing ideas at the same time is actually a sign of intelligence. Not being able to do so is a sign of ignorance and immaturity. That is just one example of an extreme case of duplicity. It can go into simple everyday things as well, such as “are you a coffee drinker or a tea drinker?” Well, I happen to enjoy both at different times and in different circumstances. I know many people who also like both. So what is the big deal? Are you an Oppenheimer fan or a Barbie fan? Why can we not be a fan of both and stop the corporations from trying to make the population divisive? All that duplicity mentality is so last century! It is time we all stop that game and just be and enjoy what we want.