Yesterday, while folding laundry, I found that there was something on the folding table that did not belong there. I thought for a moment that it was a dust bunny. But when I picked it up I discovered that it was more of a cobweb. Trying to get this thing into the garbage can was a challenge because it was very sticky. For a moment I started to try to shake it off my hand, but as I did so I cracked my knuckles on the edge of the folding table, which hurt tremendously. I finally got the cobweb off and into the garbage, then attended to my wounded knuckles. The pain was so intense it actually brought tears to my eyes. I was angry with myself for having done that to myself and realized that, because I had done it to myself, it actually hurt more than if someone else had done it to me. I know that this might sound silly, but I have often found through life that the things that I have done to myself have hurt far more than the things others have done to me.
When you think about it, any time a person goes through the ending of a relationship there are many factors involved. Sometimes it ends because of things the other person is doing. Sometimes it ends because of things that you, yourself, have done. There is rarely a time when it just ends because it ends. Someone is most often hurt. Anytime a relationship has ended because of something someone else has done I have healed quickly an moved on with life. But if it was because of something I had done, well, that stuff has held on sometimes for years. It hurts more and it lasts longer. Regret is something that always takes much longer to heal.
We live in a world of blame. And in our culture we are often taught to give everyone else on the planet some slack and some grace, but we are not supposed to even DARE give ourselves some grace and cut ourselves some slack. This is often why it hurts more. We are conditioned to beat up on ourselves instead of have compassion for ourselves. Self-forgiveness is one of the LAST things we consciously decide to do.
But this does not allow us to acknowledge our own growth and development. It stunts that by holding us hostage to past thoughts, feelings and behaviors. If we are held hostage, then how do we better ourselves? Yes, the developmental curve can often be vertical in nature. But if we hold ourselves hostage to the past, refusing to forgive ourselves of whatever transgressions we may have committed on our learning journey, then our developmental curve flatlines. When it flatlines we become stunted in our development and end up projecting that onto others. It feels “normal” to hold others back from their own development. In fact, we can end up feeling affronted by their developmental phases. Let’s face it, if we are not allowing ourselves to grow and develop, then how are we to give others permission or space to do so for themselves? It ends up becoming a toxic cycle that absolutely MUST be broken. Sometimes these cycles foster other cycles of toxic relationships. Those relationships need to also heal or be allowed to end.
So, I encourage you to break the toxic cycles. Look at those old regrets and remorse through a new lens of compassion and grace for the self that you were, back then. Understand the contributing factors, without using those factors to blame anyone else. See how those factors affected you and your judgement, thus rippling into actions that were not appropriate. This is called accountability. Once you see all that, consider who you are NOW and how much you have learned since then. Give yourself some grace and some forgiveness. And repeat that process whenever necessary. I promise, the hurt will lessen.