Over the many years of working with people and helping them to heal, I have encountered many who have been extremely traumatized through their lives. Something that we have to understand is that it often takes YEARS for someone in this position to finally seek help. Sometimes this is because of their own insecurities and PTSD preventing them from taking the first step. Sometimes, however, it is because whatever the abuse is that they were experiencing is still happening in their lives. Perhaps it started with an abusive parent or authority figure of some kind, but now it could be someone in their life, like a spouse or a boss, who continues the toxic behavior that keeps the person down and does not make space for them to seek the help they need, because, let’s face it, that would not be in the best interests of the abuser.
Nonetheless, eventually, they will seek help. The task of helping can also take a long time. When you are talking about years upon years of abuse upon abuse being inflicted on a person, there really is no “quick fix.” I so wish there was something like that. But there is not.
My goal in helping them is never to erase the past. The past happened and there is no denying that. My goal is to help them to find ways of coping, first off, with all the triggers that will happen on a daily basis. Secondly my goal is to help them to start the gentle healing process, not pushing their energy to do anything of which it is currently incapable, but to provide a menu of options from which the inate intelligence of their energy system can choose. The energy system knows very well what will help and what will not, what is appropriate and what will have to wait for another time, and what it is willing to try and what it is not. This way the person’s energy is not in any way pushed to do anything for which it is not ready. The process must be gentle in order to be effective and lasting.
Over time, as we work together, the person will discover that they no longer feel like a victim of circumstance. They feel stronger, more capable of facing life, and generally steadier in their day to day life. This is when we now approach the aspect of thriving. I know that this is possible because I have also been a survivor and now I thrive quite well. But this cannot be pushed upon anyone. Yes, we can challenge a person to look at things from a different angle. By this I do not mean white washing the situation. I mean to look at it with more of a critical mind as opposed to a wounded victim mentality. When we can start this process we can then take steps towards thriving. And once we take the first step, each one gets easier along the way. This does not mean that there will be no challenges. It means that we develop tools with which to meet those challenges in constructive and life-affirming ways. And that is a major gift.
For example, we learn how to give ourselves permission to act on self-care without worrying about what anyone else on the planet might think about it, or whether they will be offended by it. We simply do what we know will be right for us. This is liberating beyond belief.
We may also learn, at long last, how to say “no” when demands are being placed on us with the assumption that we will, of course, buckle under the pressure of the demand and comply. Yes, folks will be affronted by the fact that we say “no.” That is on them. It need not concern us in any way, shape or form.
We may also learn skills when it comes to side-stepping guilt and shame that is involved in the others’ responses to our newfound boundaries and self-care. For this to happen we will also find that we have become skilled in recognizing their games.
Standing up for oneself is somewhat of a learning curve, and that curve can be downright verticle at times. But once we master it, we champion our inner being and create space to learn, heal and grow. Before we know it we are thiving like never before!