I know a number of people who use the term “friend” for pretty much anyone that they know. I find this confusing because I feel that the term “friend” is one that is used exclusively for those with whom we have more of an intimate knowledge and understanding, as opposed to everyone else we may simply have met or who we know on a different level.
I remember a client who referred to someone as my friend and I needed clarification as to whom it was she was referring. She explained that it was a former store owner whose store I had presented at a couple of times. I explained to her that this person was an acquaintance, but not a friend. She was astounded that I would make such a distinction. I told her that I was astounded that she would not.
I tend to choose my friends wisely. And if I have discovered that they have ended up not being someone with whom I can be friends, then they quickly get bumped into a different category. Friend is a term that is quite serious. A friend is someone I can trust. A friend is someone that will challenge me when I need the challenge. It is not someone who will treat others poorly just because they can. It is not someone who will assume the worst of me without having a discussion regarding whatever the misunderstanding may be. And it is certainly not someone with whom I have never even gone out for coffee.
At the same time, I am well aware that going out for coffee once does not necessarily make a friend. Friendship takes time to develop. It takes a certain investment emotionally as well. If I go out for coffee with someone once and find that there is not much common ground, I realize really quickly that this person will never actually be a friend, but that they are alright as an acquaintance. And that is okay.
Being a friend actually carries some weight with it. It is a responsibility that most people do not step up to…at least not properly. For example, being a friend does not mean sticking up for the person when you know damn well that they are wrong in what they are doing. In a circumstance like that a true friend will challenge the person to become a better human being. They will let the person know that they know that deep within them they are much better than their current behavior is indicating. They will offer support instead of enablement. There are proper ways of going about things and then there are other ways that are a lot more shady. A true friend will help guide the person to the proper way of doing things.
You don’t get that from colleagues, classmates, schoolmates, neighbors or co-workers. Not everyone has earned the right to be referred to as a friend. There is a common misconception that people one works with are friends. Not so. In all the many jobs I have had over the years there has only been two people whom I met through work who became friends. Those are exceptional people. Everyone else I have ever worked with have remained in the category of co-workers…but not friends…definitely NOT friends. This is because I recognize when there is a meaningful connection and when there is a superficial connection. The more superficial it is, the less likely we will ever be friends. Some folks think that because I am a friendly and courteous person it means I consider them a friend. Not so. And the two conditions are not mutually exclusive. I can be kind and courteous without being someone’s friend. After all, I am kind and courteous to the folks who check my groceries. I may even know their names because of their name tags. But they don’t know my name, even if they recognize me as a “regular” customer. I am also not necessarily considering someone who wants to be my friend as an actual friend just because they want that title. They have not put in the time. They have not put in the effort. And to earn that title one must put in the time and energy.
The more we refine the titles (not labels) of the roles people play in our lives, as well as the roles we play in other people’s lives, the easier it becomes to navigate relationships. We are able to see if these are meaningful relationships or superficial relationships. As we treat each accordingly, there is less stress. After all, why fret and worry about a relationship that only ever happens at work or at the pool hall? I would rather invest my time and energy into the relationships that count in my life, such as actual friends and family. Those are the relationships that will be more reciprocal than the others ever will be. So free yourself of obligations and burdens and feelings of guilt for not participating in the superficial, and pride yourself in how you are present and accounted for in the relationships that are substantial.