The community in which I grew up was one that was steeped in religion. There were Catholics, Ukrainian Catholics, Protestants of various forms, Jehovah’s Witnesses, the list really goes on and on. For the most part, as a Pagan, I simply kept my head down and hoped that nobody would notice me. That was difficult when so many were programmed from early on to try to indoctrinate others. Even some of my teachers were, although not in a religious school, known to include religious lectures in their classrooms. I cannot imagine being a fly on the wall and seeing the look on my face when this happened in a Math class. A MATH CLASS! How the heck the teacher bridged square roots with Jesus is still baffling to me. Needless to say, I got really sick of that garbage from a very early age.
One of the things that would often happen when out with friends would be their strange belief that they had to curb all appetites and desires to remain “pure.” I remember a Catholic friend looking at me with shock when I informed him that when they translated the Bible they forgot to include the “r” that was in the word celibate. Is it any wonder I did not fit in well?
Being an outsider did have its benefits though. I was not restricted by any belief in personal sacrifice. This led to me having a strong sense of self-preservation. It also meant that I was able to eat anything….ANYTHING…on a Friday or any other day of the week. I was also not led to believe that just because someone wears robes it makes them any kind of authority over my life. Well, unless it is a judge in a court of law, which I have managed to avoid.
My mother used to tell me that appetite and desire are the things that tell you that you are still ALIVE. I think that this was her way of also saying, “Eat your beans or die.” But the theory, to me, is sound. I know that when I have been deathly ill at various times in my life I have had no appetite and zero desire to do anything that would require any more energy than simply breathing. Later on in life my sister, as she would bring out desert after dinner, would say, “Every healthy meal absolutely MUST be followed by something that is more chemical than it is nutritious.” I think she had a point with that. Over time, however, I have had to give up those chemical chasers and substitute things that are less so, just so that I can live another year.
When it comes to desire, I do have many. Some of them are mentionable, and others not, just like anyone on the planet. But what I desire most these days is something simple. Peace. I desire peace. I have a tendency to eliminate anything that does not bring me joy or peace. It brings me joy to decorate our home for various seasonal holidays and celebrations. It brings me joy to dress well and also have some bling. It brings me peace to not have to deal with anybody’s bull$&!+. This makes me a dangerous man for anyone who thinks that they want to try to control or manipulate me. Hopefully they lose interest fast, but if they don’t then they soon find out why they should have lost interest. Besides, I am perfectly comfortable with bing the villain in another person’s story if it means that I do not have to see or hear from them ever again and, thus, have peace in my life. I feel strongly enough about this that I have distanced myself from members of my family, let alone some folks who I thought could be friends but who did not know the definition of the term.
I also have a strong appetite for creativity. There is rarely a day goes by that I am not thinking about my next art project, be it a painting, a song I am writing, or an 3-dimensional sculpt. There is always a purpose to my creativity. And if folks look at it long enough they may also understand the message that is in each piece. And if they don’t then all they have to do is ask me about it and I will tell them the story of what led up to the creation.
I am also aware, however, that my personal desires are not something that matches other people’s desires. For example, I am the type that would easily fill my walls (every square inch of them) with various types of art. That would, however, drive my partner mad because he likes negative space around things. That way it is not so busy that it makes him feel like he is suffocating. We do, after all, have to compromise when in a relationship!
But to completely curb or withhold our appetites and desires…that is something that is far too radical to be healthy. As long as they are not harming anyone, why would we not want to experience them? Life is for LIVING, not denying pleasures and possibilities. If we allow ourselves to explore our appetites and desires we end up living much more fulfilling lives.