This is a subject that has come up a few times in the last month with friends, clients, and friends on social media. So, I decided to write about it and share some of the stuff I have experienced around it. I am sure that there will be folks who relate to this aspect of life no matter what angle from which they are experiencing it.
First let me say that I am well aware that there are various types of love. There is romantic love, kindred love, the love of friends, the love of people in general. It is important, therefore, to not get one confused with another. The problem with our sexually repressed society is that ALL love is equated with romantic love. This is why I actually hate terms like “bromance” because it reduces a kindred love or a love and respect between two men as being romantic and somehow gay, when it is neither of those two things. It is a put down instead of an admiration of the fact that men can be open and trusting and loving with one another without any form of sexual content to that. When women have that love and respect and trust between each other they are NEVER teased about it or put down because of it. It is considered a sisterhood thing. But men are often teased and put down for their sense of brotherhood. That is sick and twisted. This type of behavior then leads into a form of toxic masculinity, which is often promoted with the teasing from women as well as from men, within the men who are being targeted. And then people complain about toxic masculinity! Well, if you don’t want it, then don’t promote it with your ridiculous and childish teasing of men who love, trust and respect one another.
Having said that, even IF the men are also sexually attracted to one another THAT IS NOBODY’S BUSINESS BUT THEIR OWN. So back off.
Now on to the next thing about jealousy. I believe that it is COMPLETELY possible (in that it happens every single day) for a man and a woman to be excellent friends who love, trust and respect each other without there being any form of a sexual component to the equation. The love of friends is important in our society. It allows us to be supportive with one another regardless of our marital status or our sexual orientation. We can simply be friends. Period. There need not be any suspicion regarding a friendship. And if there is, then one needs to look closely at one’s own insecurities and fears, as well as look closely at the relationship you are in and resolve any discrepancies within that relationship that would lead it to being open for betrayal. Fix your own house before casting stones at anyone else just because they are friends with your partner.
Now for the more personal sharing portion of this post.
I tell people that I love them…all the time. If I feel it I will express it, because what is the use of feeling it and not saying it? I tell my partner I love him. I tell our kids I love them. I tell my friends I love them, no matter what gender they are. I express love to the max on a daily basis. I believe that in doing so we make the world a much better place.
I have, however, in the past been with a partner who was extremely jealous anytime I was friends with another woman. She would pick and pick at the other woman in a brutal way. The things that she would say about the friend were horrible and based completely on her insecurities and had nothing to do with any actual reality. She was simply jealous of any and all time I would spend with that friend. This did not happen just once, but a few times during our relationship. She would try things like, “I trust you, but I don’t trust her.” Translation: I don’t trust you to not be weak enough to succumb to her feminine wiles. Meanwhile, she would also be closing herself off to me in multitudes of ways. Well, if you want to prove yourself right, that is the perfect storm to set your relationship of fire. Burn it to the ground, why don’t you?
Some will say that the partner needs to not give a person a reason to be jealous. I agree. To me, however, that would be stuff like flirting and making out with someone else, no simply being another person’s friend.
I have also been the target for jealousy from a friend’s partner. I hate that. It automatically paints me as a villain and a threat to the relationship that I actually support. Again, this is about the partner’s own insecurities and fears and has absolutely NOTHING to do with me. When a friend tells me that their partner is jealous of our friendship, I immediately will get cold. I will tell the friend that if the partner does not get a handle on that shit, then we will no longer be friends because I don’t like being painted as a villain and I do not need the childish drama. Period. So, they can let me know when their partner has pulled in their horns and until then, we are going to have to be done.
I have a 0% tolerance for B.S. in my life. I do not care what someone’s abandonment issues are or from whence they stem. I will not be swept into that whirlpool of dysfunction. And the thing is that I am both capable of being a friend to both of them as well as being a friend to just one of them. I am not friends with some of my own partner’s friends. I don’t have to be involved in any way in that friendship. They can go and have whatever time they want to spend with each other and I am perfectly comfortable and confident enough to just leave them to it. So if a friend’s partner does not like me, I really don’t care. They don’t have to like me in order for me to be friends with their partner. But the minute they project jealousy upon me, I am out.
I struggle to think of any time that I have, myself, been jealous of another person in terms of relationships. Sure, I admired a competitor’s skills in track and field competitions, but I never once felt jealous of him, even if I came in second. I admired him for being skilled and determined. I celebrated his victory along with everyone else and never thought anything of it, even though some projected onto me that I MUST be jealous. I would look at them and say, “Actually, no, I am not because I am not petty and insecure. He earned the win, so good for him.” They did not get that. In relationships I have always felt it is important to have everyone be free to explore and grow from that exploration. So, no, I cannot say that I have ever been jealous.
I have, however, known very well when someone else was showing more than friendly interest in my partner. I was also quite aware that she was completely infatuated with him. But I figured that either they would act on that or they would not and it was none of my business. If that meant divorce, so be it. If not, then that is good too. I know that some of my readers are shaking their heads and wondering how much I was actually in with that relationship if that is how I felt. But seriously, I have always known that, no matter what, I will be alright. So if someone wants to betray the relationship, go ahead. I will help you pack your stuff and leave. I have no interest in being with someone who is weak. I have no interest in being with someone who would say that they love me and then mess around behind my back. I am quite monogamous in romantic relationships. And it would take a total shitstorm for me to be otherwise. I would rather leave ahead of time than make myself a cheater. I have learned that this is something that does not sit well when it gets projected onto you. So I do not go there.
Jealousy has absolutely no place in any relationship that is based on love and respect. To project your insecurities onto that relationship will, inevitably, destroy all the good that it was built on. So don’t go there.
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