There was this one time last year when we were grocery shopping that I witnessed a cart theft. I am minding my own business checking out oatmeal chocolate chip cookies when I hear this frantic woman’s voice calling, “Excuse me! Excuse ME! You took my cart!” I look up and see this pregnant lady (looking like she could pop at any given moment) RUNNING after this woman who was continuing her shopping, oblivious to the fact that she had inadvertently taken someone else’s cart instead of her own. The woman was mortified when she realized what she had done. I was extremely concerned for the pregnant lady. I mean, yes, pregnant women need their exercise (part of an ongoing joke when there are only spots left for expecting mothers in the parking lot), but this was CRAZY! She did at least a 50 meter dash…while extremely PREGNANT. I was sure that her water was about to break. But alas, it did not and there were no more “events” to speak of at the grocery store that day.
But TODAY! We were in the fresh produce aisle and we split up so that I could go grab a few things while Rod continued with getting fresh produce. I was walking back into the fresh produce when I met him, sans cart. He said, “Are you punking me?” I was all like, “Ummmm….what?” Then we began the search for the cart that he left SOMEWHERE in the fresh produce section. It was nowhere to be found. I said, “Someone has taken our cart.” He was like, “Why?” I said, “It happens. I have seen this shit go down before.”
So then we start going down the end of the aisles to see if we can find the culprit. I look down about the 3rd aisle and see what appears to be our cart, with our grocery bags and the large trash can we were purchasing for the art studio, with a few children and their mom, who, just as we see her, goes to put something in the cart, realizes that there was something horribly wrong and screams, “AAAAh! This is NOT OUR CART!” As we approach we are laughing our butts off and she is sheepishly mortified. She apologized and ran with her kids to find their cart back in fresh produce.
We ran into her again, as we had to go back to fresh produce to finish what we were doing there and she laughs and says, “I guess there is a first time for everything.” I told her, “Oh, I have seen this happen before, it has just never happened to me.”
I began wondering if there is such a thing as Grand Theft Carto? How do people who steal carts, even inadvertently, get punished? Is the mere embarrassment quite enough? Are there laws against such acts of theft? I hope that I am never the one who executes such a crime. It is hilarious when it happens, but if I ever do it I would likely, with my luck, be the one that induces labor in a pregnant lady. Then what? Grab an empty grocery bag to catch the baby as it flies out the shoot? I do not think that would even be sanitary. But when you are in a pinch, even a handbag serves as a place to vomit, so…
Those security devices that they have for grocery carts should perhaps come with a locking tether that can wrap around the shopper’s waist or something. But then, how on earth would we be able to abandon it in an aisle while we zip down said aisle to grab something? That would just not be convenient at all. Or perhaps someone (and now I am likely going to lose a LOT of money for suggesting this and not following through on the idea) should creat an app for your cell phone that allows you to track the location of your grocery cart, as well as lock it down so that no one can take it inadvertently. That would be cool! And while they are at it, perhaps they can create an app that tracks your purchases and prompts you to consider whether or not you need something that you may not have on your list on your phone already! That would be handy! But then, there would also be those embarrassing moments when, at the till as you are loading your groceries to be checked out, your phone would announce something like, “HAVE YOU REMEMBERED TO BUY TAMPONS AND CONDOMS?!” Or worse still, “DID YOU PICK UP YOUR VIAGRA PRESCRIPTION?!” I could just see some dude (not me) trying desperately to turn the notifications off on his cell phone. Or maybe they will institute drones that follow people around and halt them when it sees them grab another person’s grocery cart. “Attention! ATTENTION! We have a cart theft in aisle 4!”. Then the lights would start flashing and the sirens would start to scream. Everyone would turn and look to see who the culprit is! How incredibly mortifying! Then security officers would show up, haul you away and perform a cavity search. You could end up being banned from the grocery store and end up having to grow your own food….in winter!
I know…this shaman has a very vivid imagination! But when we think about it, we shamans have had visions of future events and circumstances for EONS! So who is to say that the dystopia that I have just described is absolutely impossible? I think that the best thing is to just keep your eye on the prize and keep your hands on your own shopping cart!