I would like to first say that this blog is going to rile up a lot of people, so if you are the type of person who holds all that you have ever been taught about Jesus as sacred and dear, or the type of person that has no sense of humour whatsoever, then you might want to just skip to the next blog. I would seriously wonder, however, why you are reading this blog in the first place if you don’t have a sense of humour. If, however, you have always been curious about what “others” think about this dude, then you may want to read on. But let this be fare warning to you, it will be completely irreverent and hilarious. I figure that, if Jesus really is so almighty powerful, he’ll be able to handle it. And if not, then he will zot me with a lightning bolt or some such epic thing. (10 minutes later) Nope, I’m still here so I presume that I have the “go ahead” from Jesus to write this. We’ll see how it goes. I would not ever want to piss off the Hawaiian Goddess Pele because apparently she can be a real vengeful bitch, so I am hoping that Jesus at least has a sense of humour.
Now, when we look at the Bible, we will find inconsistencies galore! I find that most of it is something that is metaphorical in nature, not literal and certainly not historical. So I completely appreciate it on a metaphorical level, but if ANYONE tries to persuade me that it is either literal or historical I will be forced to stab them in the eye just to stop the stupidity. I find that the Old Testament is far more fascinating for me because the characters in it lived, like, HUNDREDS of years! This is a clue. If this were an historical or literal document, then obviously we all descend from Vampires because they are the only ones who can pull off that kind of longevity. The Old Testament is also filled chuck full of all sorts of juicy and twisted sex. Read it. You’ll see. I mean, this is stuff that can only be found in modern days in the “articles” in Penthouse or Playboy magazines…or on PornHub! And some of the sex stuff in the bible is also way beyond what would ever be legal to publish and distribute in schools and stuff if the cover didn’t say that it is “Holy”. Yep, pure, unadulterated porn there! And this is a second clue. Vampires are known for their insatiable sex drives. And Vampires don’t care if it is sick and twisted. Just watch True Blood sometime and see.
Then we get to the New Testament. So first off, we have to understand that Jesus, if he did actually exist, was NOT A CHRISTIAN. He was a JEW!!!!! Christianity happened along HUNDREDS of years later and Jesus simply became the poster child. And then we come to the other point which is this. Where, in the Middle East, would you EVER find anyone back then by the names of Matthew, Mark, Luke, John or Paul? Let that sink in for a minute. There ya go. You got it. YOU WOULDN’T!!! So whoever wrote this stuff wasn’t even from the homeland of the dude they are writing about! Nor did they know him personally. But let’s just entertain the thought, crazy as it is, that perhaps these were pseudonyms for the actual authors, who had names more along the line of Isaac, Ishmael, or some more culturally appropriate name. So, according to these “experts”, Jesus had a great capacity to heal people. He would lay his hands on them and, “voila” they were HEALED! Cool stuff. He also told people not to tell anyone about it, but people being people could not possibly hold that shit in, so it spread throughout the land like poop through a goose and got the dude into BIG trouble with the authorities of the time. Talk about shooting yourself in the foot with a nail gun! But if he were to be able to heal people like that, then at the very least it makes him one of the more powerful shamans of the time! Yes, I said it. If Jesus were truly who they say he was, then he was a shaman. That is information that would escape most people and so now you are more educated. You’re welcome.
But then there is the whole, (insert Dracula accent here) “Drink of my blood and eat of my body” thingy. I must admit that the eating of one’s body reeks of cannibalism and that is why, to this day, I will not ever take a wafer from a priest. But the drinking of my blood stuff is kind of an indication that JESUS WAS A VAMPIRE because everyone knows that Vampire blood has great healing potentials. Get shot in the arm…drink Vampire blood. Get stabbed in the heart…seek out the nearest fanger. But if you get killed, well then, you must be “converted” into a Vampire in order to survive. How does one get converted? You have to “drink of my blood”! Apparently this not only heals you but keeps you going like the Energizer Bunny. Then, after “going to ground” you rise from the dead. And this is all cool, because Jesus did the “go to ground” thing in his tomb and then rose from the dead. But how did he get dead in the first place? THEY STAKED HIM. Did you get the part of THEY STAKED HIM??? Well of course they did! That is, after all, the only way to kill a Vampire. Everyone knows this. So why is it so hidden from Christians that they don’t even know that they are worshipping a Vampire? C’mon, people! Connect the dots already! Every time you eat that wafer or drink that wine or grape juice, you are participating in a symbolic form of cannibalism and Vampirism. And it is not that I am all judgie about that. Lord knows, people do some really messed up things in the name of religion (like every war that has ever been started, for example) but the thing is that a person ought to know exactly why they do what they do. And a person should ask questions and challenge the authorities as to why they are expected to do what they are expected to do. Because if one does not ask questions, then one sets oneself up for the “ultimate seduction”, which is that one becomes convinced to do some really twisted acts in the name of God (or whatever name you want to call that God).
Seriously folks, this is what leads people down the path of wearing bombs into market places and flying planes into buildings! So don’t let yourself get led down the path of “righteousness” by blind faith. ALWAYS ask questions! Demand answers that fit into reason and feel congruent to you as a human being. It is not natural for humans to want to harm other humans in the name of “God”. That is a twisted and unnatural state of being. We are better than that. So let’s show those idiots that we are better than that. Demand that the wars and violence END. Become an activist for PEACE. That is what Jesus would want you to do. He would not want you to preach from a pulpit that so-and-so is “of the devil and must be scourged from the face of the earth”. Hell, that’s not even Christian!
Let’s face it. We all have our own little inner demons. But we have our own inner wisdom as well. I think that it is more important for us to use our inner wisdom than it is for us to succumb to our inner demons. Otherwise, when we live an eternal life (there’s the Vampire way once again…just sayin’) it will be one that is filled with torment. Who wants that? I figure, let’s have an eternal life of fun and frivolity and deep wisdom and say “screw off” to the demons within. Now pour another glass of blood and drink up! After all, your Lord Jesus was a Vampire and everyone knows there is nothing sexier than that, so time to partay!!!
- I do not consider myself an authority on the bible or anything Christian any more than any Christian can actually consider themselves an authority on Shamanism or Paganism.
- Christianity, at its core, stems from older forms of Paganism. Deal with it.
- I don’t think that Jesus, historically, ever really existed as is depicted in the bible. Perhaps in a way that is not depicted in the bible, sure.
- It is entirely possible that Jesus was also a Zombie, considering the “eat of my body” thing. In fact, just recently there was a Zombie Walk held in Saskatoon. What is that? Well, people dress up as zombies and walk from downtown, across the Broadway Bridge, and onto Broadway Avenue, where they then all go to a local theatre to watch a movie. Some dress up as zombie Hunters and there is some enactment that then takes place with nerf guns and such. The interesting thing about this is that someone dressed up as a “Jesus Zombie”! Where did he get this idea? Is it something that is ingrained in the subconscious mind of all who walk the earth? I feel that this deserves further exploration in the spirit of research! One of the zombie Hunters stole Jesus Zombie’s crown of thorns and ran through the street rejoicing that he “got a trophy!” I guess that everyone was having a very good time.
- This entire blog was simply there to sneak in some really cool shamanic teachings in the guise of talking about Jesus. And it worked. Cool eh? You’re welcome! People actually pay me for this and you just got it for FREE!