I have a very strong affinity with ravens. Perhaps this is connected to my equally strong affinity to wolves. After all, the two often hang out together. But on a deeply spiritual level, Raven speaks to me. I have had many an interaction with Raven. On one occasion Raven dropped off a crystal on my windowsill. I still have that crystal. There have been a few times where Raven has landed on my shoulder while I have been out hiking in the forest. I am always completely honored by the presence that is Raven.
Last week a friend of mine who does daily card readings on Instagram (29Crows) shared a card from the Raven’s Prophecy Tarot deck. I enjoy watching her daily card readings. But this time I had goose bumps all over my body. I call those Holy Showers because, for me, they are an indication that I am experiencing something profound and spiritual. I watched the presentation and then went immediately onto Amazon and ordered my deck. My birthday, after all, is coming up and I decided that this was going to be my birthday gift to myself.
Today the deck arrived. Now, every time I get a new tarot or oracle deck I always do a cleansing ritual on the deck…ALWAYS. This is a most important step in my books. Energy, anyone’s energy, can linger on a deck in the production, distribution and delivery of a deck. So I like to make sure that everything is cleared off of the deck before using it. And then I clear the deck before each use.
Once that was done, I decided to draw a card from the deck. What I drew was number 6, The Lovers. I found that fascinating because the card speaks not just of romantic love but of the relationship that we have with ourselves. This is a perspective that I have always held to be valid when it comes to the Lovers card. But this time it made even more sense.
Over the last month I have been diving into receiving acupuncture treatments to help me with my migraine issues. They have been working wonderfully. But I have found that, for however long I sit there with needles in my face, neck, shoulders and wherever else, I tend to go into deep meditation for the duration of the treatment. I have made a number of discoveries about myself during these meditative treatments.
The first thing I would like to share is that often, as much of a social butterfly as I can be, people find me to be cold when it comes to someone having done me wrong or done someone I love wrong. The “Dexter” part of my personality comes out in those times and scares the living s#1t out of people. This, to me, is very appropriate. I am not one of those airy fairy “Light Workers” who thinks that everything has to be only positive vibes. Nope. If something is going sideways, papa bear is allowed to come out and rake someone over the coals and walk away without a care in the world after all is repaired. I don’t care what anyone else thinks about that or whether or not they think it was justified. I have healthy boundaries and will stick up for myself and whomever else needs to have an assist in that department.
My meditative treatments, however, also showed me that this form of strength that boils up within me is a result of, mostly, a lack of having anyone stand up for me as a child, with the exception of one of my sisters who would take on anyone anytime should they be harming her little brother. I am very grateful for that. BUT she was not always around. How could she be? She lived in another city and was 16 years older than me and had a life. But time and time again she would show up. That was awesome. I have always wanted to be that person for others when needed, and so I am.
This leads me to another aspect of my relationship with myself, to which the Lovers card alludes. Issues of abandonment. There have been many times in my life when I have been completely abandoned by people who were supposed to be supportive of me. Family members, friends, spouses etc. Now I am not the type to say, “Everyone abandons me,” and then ends up making that happed because I get clingy. Quite the opposite. I am the personality type that would not care if I burned a bridge between myself and someone else because at least it was ME burning the bridge. So when I find myself becoming aware of a friend getting gamey with me, I disappear from their life. I cannot stand people who are not authentic. How that ends up developing in their relationships and the ways that they treat others is twisted at best and abusive at worst. So if I get a sniff of that developing in my direction…I am OUT.
What this means, however, (because there are always two sides to a coin) is that I have spent a LOT of time throughout my life alone. I am very comfortable with that. But I do find that it does have its drawbacks. For example, feeling like people don’t understand me (which most often they don’t) is a common theme in my life. Seriously though, how can anyone understand someone who would rather walk away than risk being hurt? So yes, I become a ghost in people’s lives. That does not mean that I prefer that. It is simply a coping mechanism that I developed out of abandonment scenarios. That alone time, however, does serve purpose. It helps me to have the time for introspection that is required in order to understand and love myself. Most people don’t take five minutes in a week to be alone and do introspective work. I have tended to do it for extended periods of time on a daily basis. I think that this has served me well, though, because it helps me to see myself clearly and to see others actions and intentions clearly. But I was not entirely connecting the dots, so to speak, until I was working on my migraine issues. I was not seeing how they were connected to ancient childhood experiences. I was not seeing how they were connected to abandonment, betrayal, and abuse. Now that I have been noticing these connections, it gives me a better understanding of some more of the work that I can do for myself. That is how the Lovers card weaves its message through to me. It is about my relationship with myself more than anything else. Sometimes all it takes is receiving that message in a different way, from a different source, at a different time in order for it all to click. Any parent knows this well. Try to tell a kid something that they need for survival. Crickets is all you hear in response. But a friend or co-worker or a total stranger on the street can say exactly the same thing and suddenly the epiphany happens and they think that you did not know anything about it! Eyes roll really hard in circumstances such as these.
So the timing was perfect for me, the message was received and I am off to do more inner work. Wish me luck!